Since it's the season for unqualified blowhards running for office, I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and nominate myself for Australian Prime Minister.
My platform is simple:
- I'm not an unmitigated misogynistic paleo-asshole
- The national anthem shall be changed to "Throw Your Arms Around Me", and will be played at the start of school every day, from the cassette deck of a 1987 Holden Commodore.
- The flag shall be changed to anything other than its current form that doesn't feature the Union Jack.
- The Deputy Prime Minister shall be Nick Cave. If he brings some of the Bad Seeds or Kylie, all the better.
- We will declare economic warfare on the US by sending them Gina Rinehart. The beauty of this plan is that they'll think they're getting a good deal.
- Honours and awards will no longer be given to businessmen, sportsmen or entertainers under the What Isn't Money And Fame Enough For You Act of 2016.
- Pope Francis will be appointed official "Mate" of Australia, meaning that we will all be able to drop over to his place for a beer, to borrow jumper leads and ask his opinion on the renovation of the back porch.
- We will save on defense and immigration control by playing up the dangerous nature of Australian wildlife, inventing several new and ferocious animals, e.g. the carno-dingo, the winged chameolo-croc.
- Barbecues will be subsidized and the price of Tim-Tams will be strictly controlled for the purposes of preserving Australian "culture".
- This time, we'll do the Republic right.