Marvel Comics' "Everyone Else"
Dateline, New York: In a surprise press conference today, Marvel Comics has revealed its TV lineup for new season, consisting of over 500 new shows and comic book tie-ins. Said a spokesperson for the company, "We were wondering how to work in Tigra, whether she should join 'Inhumans' or make an appearance on 'Iron Fist'. Eventually we decided that she needed her own show and, well, it kinda snowballed from there."
The new lineup will include shows for Beetle, Dazzler, the Great Lakes Avengers, Molecule Man, four seperate versions of Hawkeye, Newnight with She-Hulk, Yellowjacket & Silverclaw, a cooking show judged by the Fantastic Four, Law & Order: Powers, Law & Order: Powers: Los Angeles, America's Next Avenger, a buddy comedy featuring Toad & High Evolutionary, X-Force, X-Corps, X-Statix, Survivor: Madripoor and an as yet untitled project where Jessica Jones regains her superpowers.
"There are shoutouts and references within each of the shows to each other," said the spokesperson. "For example, if you watch 'Doctor Druid' closely, you'll see why Drax the Destroyer hates Neutron. And how Joystick first met Major Mapleleaf. The shows will be building up to one big crossover event at the end of the season. So yeah, you're pretty much going to have to watch them all."
The 20 hour end-of-season special will be co-directed by Edgar Reitz ("Heimat") and Shane Carruth ("Primer"), featuring more than 2500 speaking parts and 13 different timelines. The labrythine plot is being managed by use of Google DeepMind and “a huge-ass corkboard”. Costs will be kept low by filming in, and employing, Vancouver.
In total, the new lineup will consist of more than 7000 hours of television, more than a years worth of waking hours. When challenged on this, Marvel cited market research indicating that fans "didn't have much going on, anyway" and that they hoped for strategic alliances with food and wet-wipes delivery businesses.
When asked if Plastic Man would be appearing, the spokesperson replied "Eh, why not. He can team up with Squirrel Girl. Yeah, Squirrel Girl."